Experienced Sensory Perceptive
by Scarabbug
Summary: The consequences of too much and too little can sometimes be found on exactly the same level. Deanna knows this.


**Work of fanfiction created for entertainment (and a means to keep me awake) only. Standard disclaimers apply. **

**I can sympathise with Deanna here. Had a few nasty experiences involving my own mother and a hairbrush. Tangles. Urgh. Anyway, Catalase requested no Riker involve, though there ARE implications here. Just implications, mind, and they can be taken either way. I'll leave it to your discretion. Also, Lawxana Troi is too much fun to write.**

* * *

"_Girls can be anything they want to be. Even anthropomorphic personifications of the universe." _-Death.

Experienced Sensory Perceptive.

Not a _real_ Betazoid. Not _properly_.

Of course that wasn't what they all _said_, really. Not out loud. But the way they _thought_ it was… nastier. _'Not _really_ a Betazoid. Only a bit of her is, and even _that_ bit can't do group-mind mathematics.'_

It wasn't fair.

She _couldn't _read their thoughts, of course, but she knew all about _that_ one. Or at least she thought she did… she heard the muttering and whispering after all. She even knew she had a rhyme or two, though people always thought them so she didn't know for certain what came after "_Little Deanna house of Troi_…" It could've been anything, really, but it was probably something less than kind.

She _felt_ that they were. Father always said to trust her feelings and they were really the only thing Deanna could rely on, except for him and Mateo. Mother too, except that mother didn't much like Mateo.

'_If I find that darn cat in my dining chamber again I swear it's going right back to the centre. Just look at it, Ian, you humans can't tell but I swear, the thing couldn't get more smug if it managed to –oh, dear! Deanna, please! Remove that darn animal from the wardrobe. Don't laugh; it's not in the least bit funny.' _

Mateo didn't read minds, so Deanna didn't have to worry about him laughing at her or calling her names and she didn't have to get upset when he didn't want to play thought games with her, because he couldn't _play_ thought games, anyway. All she had to worry about was keeping him out of mother's bedroom. That was easy. They played in the garden instead. They'd sit in the middle of the largest tree and try and feel what was happening on the other side of the street. Sometimes she could. Other times it was… harder.

'_You worry too much, my little one. Anyone would think you were the first, the way you go on. Surely there's someone else who isn't completely Betazoid in your class. I mean, doesn't Leania's little daughter go to your school, dear. Ph, wait… now that I think about it, it was only Leania's second husband who was human, wasn't he? Well, serves her right, I suppose for going and marrying when she knew fine well she was going into _The Phase_…' _

…She couldn't tell, either way.

* * *

Watching the viewer that Monday morning before school, Deanna has seen a brown haired little boy with big frightened eyes being led into a big white Building called "The Betazed University of Psychology". He was small. Younger than her by at least two years, and Deanna could feel the terror quite clearly through the screen of the computer. She still knew just what he was thinking, even from so far away. She didn't read it in her mind, though. She just… knew. It was obvious really, wasn't it? He had his hands clutched over his eyes

_Too much. **Too. Much.** _

Too little, Deanna thought, once she'd finished crying into Mateo's fur.

The little boy called Tam was different, too. For the same reason as she was, maybe. Something wrong with his telepathy. Except there wasn't really anything _wrong_ with either of them. Not that Deanna thought that other people would ever see it that way.

* * *

Father often told her that Mother was determined to a fault. Deanna knew what he meant, and Mother scolded her for agreeing with him so much. '_Nonsense_, my dear. There is no such thing as false determination, _false_ determination just wouldn't work. Now do stay still while I try to get these tangles out.'

She _would_ get the tangles out; Deanna had no doubt of that. But it wasn't going to be pleasant, and Deanna wasn't going to make it easy.

'Oh, really, Deanna. If you'd just brush your hair _properly_ when you left the bathroom, we wouldn't have this problem and I wouldn't be late for a very important meeting.'

Ow. Ow. Ow…

Mother could always read her mind easily and never usually asked permission before she did, the way friends at school would. '_A mother and daughter should have no secrets, and goodness knows you bottle enough up for one your age_,' Deanna didn't mind so much. But today she minded. Very much.

'_Oh, yes, I saw that poor little thing on the viewer too, Deanna. Awful the things that happen to some people, but it can't be helped.' _

The hold on Deanna's shoulder tightens just a little and she can feel that Mother is… scared. _'Small children can be cruel. Particularly under the age of five. And I promise you, they soon learn better. Now, maybe the problem isn't as bad as you think it is.'_

'But…' _How would she know?_

'_You can't know, dear. But you can make a pretty good guess at it.' _

'_They don't want me here. The other children. They don't want me in their class, mother.'_

'_Nonsense and you know it. You can't be unwanted in your own home, Deanna.' _

'_Maybe not, mother. But is this mine?'_

Her mother didn't answer that question for a very long time. Deanna tried not to feel disappointed. '_Mother… is this my home?'_

'_You do ask the _strangest_ questions, Deanna. This is every bit as much your home as it is mine and your fathers. Home is where –and _what_, and _who_- you make it, not just somewhere you put up a fence.' _

The untangling continued in silence. Well, spoken silence, anyway, but mother continued to mutter in her mind words she didn't have to speak. Mother had never been very good with hair that wasn't her own, and Deanna always messed it up again anyway.

'_Shall I tell you a secret, little one?'_

Ow. 'Mm. That doesn't make sense.'

'_Oh, really, now?' _

'Well, Betazoids don't _keep_ secrets.'

'_Hm. Well yes that's what is generally believed. Not from each other, anyway. But for little ones like mine, a secret can be something very special.'_

An uneasy shuffle. 'You don't _like_ secrets, mother.'

'_Don't wriggle like that, dear. And no, I don't like secrets. But then, not many can keep them from me anyway, now, can they?_

_No_. Deanna thought.

'_Exactly. See? I told you telepathy wasn't so difficult if you'd just practise more often. And like I said, I despise secrets. Well, anyway, you know well that I dislike all secrets… except this one, and that's alright because _that_ one's for you. and it's a secret everyone knows, really, they just like to pretend they don't.' _

'…I don't understand.' Well, she didn't.

'_Use _Telepathy_, dear. You know fine well you have no difficult with me. Well, you see it's a secret all about people like _you.'

'…Like me?'

'_Mm. And how special you are. Because you're _not_ all Betazoid, no. And that means you're very lucky to be here for one thing, do you know why that is? _

'No…'

'_Because humans can be such over finicky, simple minded beings, dear. With the odd exception of course, and even your father has his moments. He likes to think about the way humans used to be –not a pleasant race, at all. Many creatures have such a failing. They start out brutal and savage and then end up making a total rumpus of themselves before they can even obtain warp drive. Not humans, they got lucky. Quite frankly it's incredibly fortunate that they got out here at all.'_

Mother didn't like secrets. And she didn't like lies or falsehoods, either. But there were times, Deanna thought, when she didn't feel very much like mother at all. This was one of them. Mother didn't like history. 'Why?'

'_Because they very nearly destroyed themselves too, my dear. I'm not entirely certain how, after all, I've never been one for historical stories it bores me senseless, but there are something's that people have to know. There was that time back in—' _

'_Mother…'_

'_I'm getting there. Anyway like I said, humans are such a complex bunch. Why the way they used to act around each other. Judging one another on colour and even silly little things that hardly mattered at all. _Disability_, for example. They didn't know that everything could be fixed through the mind and they were too darn set in their ways to care. Why, they didn't even think that some of _their own kind_ should be allowed to marry each other. Now if that's not backwards thinking I don't know what is. But they're not that way anymore. Or at least not most of the time, occasionally of course there's... an upset. They came far enough to reach our world, too. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't done that, Deanna.' _

'So… that's okay?'

'The world has a way of finding balances, Deanna. You would do well to remember that. Half Betazoid girls can be anything they _want_ to be, my darling. Even…' she hesitated, before adding grudgingly, her awareness of another of Deanna's more hopeful thoughts. 'Well, even important crew members of the crew on Starships, if they want. So long as they're very, _very_ sure that's what they want. _I'm sure it would have its benefits_ _if you ever wanted to travel_,' she added the last bit telepathically.

Sometimes it wasn't so bad to have your mother read your mind.

That was the day Deanna decided she was going to marry a human when she grew up. It was also the day when, in the little boy from the Digiviewer, stopped screaming quite as loudly as he used to.

* * *

When Deanna was older, she met Tam Elbrun for herself, and it was the same as it had been that day on the Digiviewer. _Too much, too much, why won't you alljustbequietsoI can get somerest?_

Now, however, he was better at controlling it than she remembered. Or perhaps he was only better at suppressing it.

Pre-Graduate students were not permitted full access to patients at the University's Treatment centre. She wanted to meet him, though. To get to know him, the way Deanna had had to get to know _everyone_ in her life, without the aid of an instant mental connection. Perhaps she could even be his friend.

It was peculiar, she thought, that she could have found what felt very much like an understanding with a man who's own problems mirrored those of her childhood as exact opposites in everyway. More than just feelings, Tam's telepathy was switched on from his birth. Not just simple things like talking with blood relatives –even Deanna had always been capable of that – but born overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of others. Never any peace. Not even in your dreams. That was the life Tam lived day after day.

'I knew you thought about me. But of course you know that, don't you Deanna Troi. You know that I know everything. Whether I want to know it or not.'

There was a rapport. He knew this, but did not appreciate it or even seem to care. Perhaps, then he had met many people like her before.

'…Emotional old psychology students. All wrapped up in their work. Never able to tell the difference between a flesh and blood patient and their analysing machine… how _strange_ and distorted an idea that is. For a Betazoid, I mean.'

'Who are you talking about?'

'You know fine well who I'm talking about, Miss Troi, after all he's grading your papers on this… little meeting of ours. 'I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for, you or me.' Tam grinned. 'He's sitting in his chair down the hallway right now, Deanna and at this exact moment, he's considering putting you in for the advanced classes. He's surprising himself with this thought, because… well, he never _expected_ it from you. You're… incomplete, after all. Just your empathy to go on while everyone else has all the thoughts and feelings they could want. It must be difficult.' He was laughing as he said this in a way that was anything but kind.

'…It can be, sometimes.'

Tam stopped laughing. 'You're really not here as a student, then, are you Deanna Troi? I knew it.'

'No, I'm not. If I were I would've signed up for a duty lesson like everyone else who needs extra study. If you'd rather look at yourself as an experiment.'

'Oh, it _is_ an experiment, Deanna. My whole _life_ is. Didn't you know? It's an experiment on _me_ to find the best disturbed joke in the universe. The universe laughs and laughs and I can hear _every_ last one of its voices.' The smile had waned. 'And _they_ –those… psychologists and scientists studying me out there– they think of me it _exactly_ the same way as the universe does. Like another little telepathic puzzle. They hear me thinking as I hear every one of _them_, but they care nothing for me… too different. Too _strange_…

'But you're _not_ like that Deanna, are you? Oh no. I know very well you're not like that,' Tam ceased his endless pacing for a while in order to look her in the eye. 'You'd sooner find a friend than a patient.'

Deanna took a deep breath trying to be very careful about how she chose her words. 'Well… It seemed to most sensible way to go about your life… I'm not looking for a student, Tam. Whether you'd like help from me or anyone else is your decision alone to make.'

A silence followed, and Deanna waited patiently for a response.

'…So you really _do_ understand,' Tam said. And he smiled. For the first time ever, he _smiled_ at her.

Communication with him had been irregular and unpredictable after that, but it didn't usually end as badly as it did when Tam met the other students.

* * *

When a person has a calling, it is always far better not to stand in front of them, so much as guide them in whatever way is necessary. Deanna had learned to accept that fact on the day she joined the University on Betazed. The day she applied to join Starfleet via a medical degree. '_Not everyone_,' the examiner had said to her, '_is able to instantly understand and appreciate the thought of others. The key is –and always will be– patience and diplomacy. Remember these lessons and one day they may further your career_.'

Deanna was always ready for a challenge. And Tam was… definitely a challenge. In her earlier days it had been difficult to understand, coming from a heritage such as hers.

Diplomacy and patience were things Deanna was going to require in abundance where Tam Elbrun was concerned.

'Ironic, isn't it Deanna. That _you_ should appreciate it. No telepathy. Less _training_ than any of those darn scientists –fifty percent of whom are over conceited arrogant pains in the next who think their every thought my subject is correct and the other half… well. The other half.' A sly thought winked into her mind with an intensity that meant Deanna simply had to laugh.

'Tam!'

Tam grinned. 'What? It's _true_, you know it is and I know _you_ know.'

They had had the conversation before, in several slightly varying forms. Eventually, Deanna had found, things usually came back to her.

As if he was actually _interested_ in her. Personally and otherwise. She had felt no physical attraction. In fact, if anything, Tam seemed loathe concerning physical contact with anyone at all. Tam, who had had no choice but to know everyone and everything that came within a few miles of him. But still… the non telepath had accomplished something beyond the abilities of the University's most accomplished professors: a friendship with Tam Elbrun.

Deanna wasn't particularly concerned about that, all that concerned her was that in some distant way, she had come to like Tam immensely. 'Of course,' she finished the thought aloud, 'the universe sometimes has a way…'

'…Of balancing things out,' Tam finished. 'The more I find out about your mother the more remarkable an individual she sounds, Deanna. Just you wait until she gets within a hundred feet of me.'

Deanna smiled. 'I have no doubt you'll let her know about it.'

'Or else she'll let me; she is the kind of woman who speaks her mind before anyone else can voice their own. I'm used to knowing. And she does make many good points,' he continued to voice his awareness of woman he'd never come into contact with. 'But you're very much a true Betazoid, Deanna. Very much so. Maybe more than any of them.'

The words meant something but at that particular point in time, Deanna was too young to fully appreciate exactly what that meaning was. By the time she was old enough, however, it probably wouldn't matter anymore.

Deanna hung onto them anyway, for a very long time after she left the university.

* * *

Deanna was the first in the Transporter room on the day the _Enterprise_ was sent to collect Tam Elbrun from Chandra Five. Asides from the Captain. He knew she would be there. He called to her, but at the time Deanna had been too far away to know for certain how he was feeling.

She looked forwards to meeting him again.

She did not, however, like forwards to exposing him to the stress of one thousand minds combined on a single Starship. And here Empathy alone was more than so many were capable of. It offered so much to so many people… The Chandran's would have little need for such empathy. Humans… were a different matter altogether. So, for that matter, were Betazoids.

'_Don't worry about me, Deanna. I'll be there. I wouldn't put off seeing you again…' _

'_That wasn't _exactly_ why I worried, Tam.'_ Deanna replied but of course, he was still too far away for her to know that he already knew this.

Deanna could not imagine spending vast quantities of time in the company on the Chandrans herself. A single three week mission (no time at all, to the Chandrans) in her early days on board had required enough patience. As peaceful and amicable as their kind were, living on board a Starship meant you soon grew used to living a faster pace of life.

But that would never be the life that Tam Elbrun wanted.

She had expected his nonchalance and instantaneous disrespect in the eyes of someone with Captain Picard's authority. She had expected his vague pleasure at meeting hr again, and his awareness of her anxiety that he'd chosen to take this mission at all. She had not expected his alarm.

And what was really surprising, was that neither had _he_. She had never seen –or felt– Tam so… alarmed as he was that moment. After all, never in all his life had Tam Elbrun ever been approached by someone he had not already realised was there.

'Who… _what_… are you?'

Data responded to that often asked question with the same composed, emotional manner as he always did. And still Tam could not believe it.

'Incredible. I can't sense you at all, it's like you're not there.'

Deanna smiled. Yes, Data certainly had a way of unintentionally breaking in a conversation without even opening his mouth. _'Just wait, Tam,'_ she thought, contentedly. _'When he _does_ begin speaking you might find conversation to be an interesting experience.'_

'…_He's third in command. That's what you're thinking, isn't it. He plays poker and always falls for the same bluffs over and over. He probably doesn't much care for dogs, but he doesn't realise exactly that this is so. If there are emotions there, he's not connected to them. You don't need to tell me any of this, of course.' _

Deanna nodded, and Tam stayed silent after addressing the Captain for the final time, apparently processing – Deanna felt herself smiling again – the information. _'Oh, good _Lord_. You're sure that he's— no, wait, of _course_ you're not. Who could be sure whether or not something… someone like this is really alive… just because something walks and talks and… he breathes, too, doesn't he?' _

Deanna felt herself smiling when the captain looked away.

_I'd like to get to know him… for myself. Not through the thoughts of others. I don't think… I've _**never**_ had that…'_

'_Opportunity. I'm sure he'll find it an equally interesting experience, Tam. Just try not to wear him out before shift.'_

'_He _doesn't_ wear out. You know that.' _

Which was probably just as well…

* * *

'I like him.' That statement alone did not surprise her. It would be, she thought, almost impossible for Tam _not_ to appreciate somebody whose mind he couldn't read. An identity of whom he was not instantly aware. 'He's… restful.'

…That, however, was a little newer. 'I imagine your opinion of Data is… probably unique.'

'…Yeah?' he phrased it as a question. Tam never asked questions though, because never in his life had he needed to. What he needed (or _didn't_ need) to know had always been right there in front of him. 'It's nice, having to _get to know someone_, instead of getting it all, up _here_,' a finger pointed at the temple. '…whether I want it or not. _There's nothing _fun_ about it, Deanna…But you always knew that. Always_.'

The necessity of getting to know someone. One step at a time, one comment, one word, one voiced thought, one emotion, one liking and hate at a time. All the things that made a person's identity so mysterious and unique to themselves.

Perhaps Tam was right. Perhaps Deanna truly did understand, and always had, what it meant to be a Betazoid.

* * *

Deanna stayed in the observation lounge, head rested against Data's shoulder the way she used to stand with Mateo in the front bedroom window, for what felt like hours after Tam had left the _Enterprise_, in a glare of light and incalculable speed.

She thought of them. Tam Elbrun and Tinman together in time and space… where they would go and what they would find. She knew for a fact that she would never see him again. Not unless some miracle occurred between now and the end. The awareness of that didn't hurt, yet. But she would start to miss him soon and then, things would be harder. Even _knowing_ he was happy, they would be hard.

'_I believed it was his hope that _you_ would understand.' _Data had told her. She wondered, for a while, how he had meant it when he said that. Was it something Tam had told him word for word? _'Deanna will understand. Tell Deanna what I meant to say to her. Tell Deanna what I mean._'

What else could it have been? Still, the words '_I believed it was_…' clung to her mind with a hopeful resonance. She was never sure whether Data had (or would) achieve such a level of lucidity. Of… intuition. But she had always hoped.

'When apart they were both so…' Data tried. Had he been human, his frustration with the words would doubtless have been tangible. But Data was not human and Deanna could not tell for certain, either way. He couldn't seem to find the words no matter how many times he searched his programming. Deanna helped a little. '…wounded,' she pushed, gently. 'Isolated.'

Soft golden eyes remained fixed firmly on her in a way that was unnerving, until you became accustomed to it. Accustomed to _him_. 'Yes,' he said. 'But no longer. Through joining… they have been healed. Grief has been transmuted to joy. Loneliness to…'

He hesitated. But then, how long was that second's worth of hesitation to Data? Deanna had no idea, and she had little time to wonder before he found the answer to an unspoken question. '….'

When a person has a calling, it is always far better not to stand in front of them, so much as guide them in whatever way is necessary. And when someone has a capability which they don't necessarily know their own strength with, sometimes –_just_ sometimes– a mild warning or a few brief words of encouragement are the only thing you can give them, and will, in the end, be the only thing they truly _need_ from you. Encouragement. Hope. _'Understanding… _

'_Perhaps that's all anyone really wants in the end…'_

'Data…you _do_ understand,' Deanna said softly, and she was smiling as she said it. lucidity. Intuition. Awareness of yourself and your own importance in the grand scheme of things, whatever that scheme might be. Awareness of others feelings and how they interact with the world around you, and you yourself.

Awareness of others feelings…

He _does_ understand. _'Did you understand Tam, too, Data? Do you understand what it meant to him, to be able to get to know you? To get to _know_ you, instead of having it all forced upon him regardless…?'_

'Yes Counsellor…When Tinman returned me to the ship, I realised… this is where _I_ belong.'

Deanna felt her breath catch a little.

Home.

For both of them. For all of them. It meant a great deal to Deanna, more than she could ever put in words, more than she could make him understand, at this point (his point?) in development. So she eventually settled for remaining silent and resting her head against his shoulder.

It was all that the two of them needed.

_End._

* * *

Reviews and concrit are appreciated. 


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